Have you ever found yourself replaying a conversation or situation in your head repeatedly, even when you know it’s over? Perhaps it was an argument with someone who never apologized or a missed opportunity that still makes you wince. Even when we tell ourselves it’s in the past, our minds seem to disagree.
This phenomenon occurs because of how our brains are wired. In the 1920s, psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik discovered that people remember unfinished tasks far better than completed ones, a phenomenon known as the Zeigarnik Effect. In essence, our brains cling to things that feel incomplete, keeping those thoughts “open” like browser tabs we forgot to close. The result can be cognitive fatigue, mental overload, trouble sleeping, and emotional burnout. Even if a relationship ends or a chapter of your life closes, your mind can keep it active if it never felt emotionally resolved. This is why you might find yourself waking up thinking about something that ended years ago.
Here’s a truth we often overlook: you don’t need someone else to give you closure. While it’s nice when someone apologizes or explains their actions, waiting for that can keep you trapped in an emotional loop. Self-closure is not only possible but powerful. It involves validating your own experiences and giving them the meaning they deserve.
One effective way to achieve this is by writing a letter you’ll never send. Express everything you wish you could say to that person or even your past self. Allow it to be messy and honest, then delete it or destroy it. The goal isn’t for anyone else to read it; it’s about releasing those pent-up feelings.
Another technique is to acknowledge your feelings out loud. For example, saying, “I never got the closure I wanted, but I’m choosing to close this today,” provides a mental cue that the matter is processed. Speaking your truth can be a powerful form of self-affirmation.
Additionally, consider engaging in a ritual to signify letting go. Light a candle, tear up a note, or stand outside and take deep breaths. Such symbolic actions send a message to your subconscious that something has ended. This isn’t just a whimsical act; it’s rooted in psychology and can provide the closure you need.
Research supports this notion as well. According to a study by Baumeister and Masicampo (2011), unresolved thoughts occupy space in our working memory, which diminishes focus and increases internal stress. Thus, closure is not a luxury but rather a neurological necessity.
Ultimately, letting go doesn’t equate to forgetting or excusing bad behavior; it means regaining the energy that an unresolved situation continues to drain from you. You are allowed to move forward, even if the chapter didn’t close the way you envisioned. You don’t have to carry your past any longer.
